Jigai
by Phoenix Innocence
Summary: I stand alone, welcoming the darkness. I don't want to think, I don't want to feel. I just want to cease existing. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or its characters. I make no profit from this story.**

**Beta'd by: MisatosPenPen**

* * *

I stand alone. The darkness surrounds me, enveloping me in a frozen blanket, as I stare ahead. I want to rage against the world; to bite and claw, kick and punch, scream and cuss until my voice is hoarse and my legs are too tired to carry me. I want to lie down and never get up. I want to let the snow fall and surround me, cover my body, obscuring me from the world.

It would be so easy. No one would see me here, alone at dark, where the only company I'm keeping is the gently swaying barren limbs of some oak trees. This is where it happened. This is where it all went wrong. Where my family was ripped from me and gone in an instant. This is where my world ceased to exist. I want to cease existing and I've come prepared.

I eye the bottle in my shaking hand. I try to fool myself it's from the cold, but I know otherwise. It won't stop me, though. I'm prepared to cease existing, I've made my peace. No one will mourn me…because I am alone.

I attempt to turn the cap, but my hands are shaking fiercely now. But I won't stop. The lid pops off and lands at my feet, quickly covering with snow. I stop to stare until I can't see it anymore. My mind blanks momentarily on the task at hand and I'm afraid to let myself feel relief that I've delayed the inevitable. It has to be done.

I pour the pills into my hand, my fingers fading from bright pink to bluish purple from the cold. They're shaking uncontrollably now and I know it's from the inevitable. But there's no turning back now; I've said my peace and apologized to those who mattered. It's time. I close my eyes.

I lift my hand to my mouth, but I can't bring myself to release the capsules. Something stays my hand; I can feel it around my wrist. I hear a whispered: "Don't." I don't want to look; in case it's an illusion. But I need to; I know that much.

I open my eyes slowly and blink through the blinding snow; but there's no one there. I should have known…it's always an illusion. I suck in breath and down the pills before I can stop myself, leaning against the nearest tree. I watch the boughs gather snow, bending against the weight now resting atop them. My chest feels heavy and I begin to breathe deeply, coughing in the frozen air.

My mind wanders as the temperature plummets. I see my family, together and happy…like they used to be. I see my best friend of twelve years, smiling like he always does. His smile always makes me feel better. He was always there for me. I'm going to miss him most.

I begin to have doubts. I don't want to do this anymore. I've changed my mind! But my arms are too tired to carry me to the road, to safety. I'll cease to exist, just like I thought I wanted. And _he'll _never know how I felt about him; how much I wanted to tell him I loved him. My mind grows fuzzy and I swear his face is the last I see before I slip into oblivion. I'm glad it was _his_ face, even if he was crying…

**~JIGAI~**

The steady sound of beeping wakes me and I take a moment to open my eyes. The beeping is really beginning to annoy me and I'm in copious amounts of pain. I wasn't expecting death to be so painful. I don't know what I was expecting anyway. St. Peter at the pearly gates waiting to deliver me to God seems unlikely in light of my successful suicide. It's more than likely that I'm now sitting in Hell…that would certainly explain the incessant beeping and the stomach pain. You're supposed to suffer in Hell for your sins and I've committed a major sin, here.

I wish I could take it back, but it's done now. I have to step forward and take responsibility. My eyes open and Hell is nothing like what I thought it would be. I blink rapidly, expecting another illusion, but my vision doesn't change. Why does Hell look like a hospital room?

I shift in bed, groaning at my sore stomach. The beeping is coming from a heart monitor, but I'm dead; there should be no heartbeat. It must be the work of the Devil, trying to fool me; give me false hope before the crushing blow. Is it true that there is redemption? Is it too late to pray to God, to beg for forgiveness?

I'm so sorry. I take it back, I take everything back! I wasn't ready to die and I regret it! Please, God, if you can hear me: please forgive me.

I feel the tears roll down my face and the pain clench my stomach as I sob hysterically. I was stupid! I wish I could take it back. I wish I had one more chance…

Warmth touches my cheek, but I know now it's just an illusion. I won't fall for it anymore. I turn away seeking the cold grip of death I've brought upon myself; but it follows. I turn to look despite my reservations. My vision is blurred from my tears, but I can make out a shape in the darkness. It must be the Devil, come to collect my soul. I want to fight, but I give up. I brought this on myself. I'm ready, even if I'm not.

The sound is soft at first, too low to hear over the pounding in my head. It almost sounds like a 'shh'ing' sound; so soft and gentle. It's unlike anything I was expecting from the Devil…maybe those nutty theorists were correct and the Devil is a woman. More tears gather, blurring my vision even more. I don't want to see, I don't want to know, I just want it to end. This is my fate.

My other cheek is gripped in warmth, my head slowly tilted to look at the shadowy lump. I swallow through a sob. I don't want to know if the Devil is a woman. I croak out a: "I'm sorry."

The 'shh'ing' noise is back, stronger now. It's so soothing and the warmth on my cheeks comforting. I don't want to hope, but I begin to think there's a chance; that maybe this is God. I don't want to see Him either, but I know it's better than the alternative. Would he forgive me; could he forgive me?

And then he speaks to me. I know it's a man now; the voice too gruff to be a woman's. And it's familiar, too. It's telling me everything will be OK, but it's not OK. I've ceased to exist and I want nothing more than to continue existing. I've ruined everything.

But the voice soothes me. My tears slowly fade away, but I still refuse to look. I can't look upon the face of God…I'm unworthy, too. I want to turn away again, but the warmth at my cheeks refuses to let me go.

"Open your eyes," the voice coaxes me. It's so familiar, but I'm afraid. I'm so afraid, even as his tone turns pleading. "Please, look at me, Sasuke?"

I'm such a coward.

"Please," the voice continues.

I feel warmth near my temple, feathery light in its touch. I no longer believe it's God talking, convinced the Devil has tricked me. I want to cry again, but the tears won't come. I've dried myself out. I'm warm now, too warm, and still in pain. My stomach feels as if it was hit by a steel beam falling from the Empire State Building. In which case, death should be painful.

"Come back to me, Sasuke."

I clench my eyes shut, refusing to look. I could keep this up for an eternity if I have to; my big 'F You to the Devil!

Until I hear three whispered words: 'I love you.'

And I can't stop my eyes from opening. But, it's not my worst fear or my greatest hope. It's Naruto. His hands are on my cheeks, giving me warmth, his lips at my temple; whispering repeatedly, "I love you."

I sob now, hysterically. I haven't ceased to exist like I thought; I'm still here. And Naruto is with me.

"I love you, too," I croak back.

Naruto is crying, too; angry and happy tears; torn between scolding me and loving me. I learn that he was the one to find me; that he knew where I'd gone…and why. He was the one that whispered 'don't', that when I finally opened my eyes and no one was there, he'd gone to find help. I wasn't alone like I'd thought. Naruto had been with me the entire time, waiting for help. I really saw him crying as I faded away. I learn, too, that the pain in my stomach was from a stomach pump.

Naruto stays by my side constantly, refusing to leave me. I'm grateful. I don't want to be alone. I'm told I can be released in a few days, but that I have to seeking counseling. Naruto promises to make me go. I won't argue with him; I want to go. I want to feel like I exist again and in his arms I feel alive.


End file.
